The University records its 1,826th consecutive day of full attendance
The Registrar reports no absence, late arrival or early departure since November MMXXI. This is attributable, in small part, to there being no lectures to attend.
I. News & Events
News & Events
Our press is distinguished by the near-total absence of news. Below: everything worth recording in the past half-year, and several things that were not.
II. Latest Notices
From the Gazette
University
Sofa Ergonomics voted “Course Least Likely to Require Rising”
In the annual course survey conducted by Streaming Arts, the paper won by a considerable margin. The panel remained recumbent throughout and no one came forward to accept the award.
The Refectory completes its quarterly inventory
A yoghurt dated MMXXIII was found at the rear of the cold shelf. It has been accessioned by the University Archive and will be neither consumed nor discarded, nor indeed addressed again.
The President's Annual Statement on Teaching Arrangements
In-person instruction continues to be delivered online; online instruction continues to be delivered beneath the duvet. The President added: “Any questions may be raised tomorrow, and preferably not then either.”
The Library acquires a second volume
A Periodical, Unopened has been added to shelf II, bringing the total holdings to two. The Librarian considers the rate of growth ambitious and recommends a pause.
Michaelmas Term opens; the student body registers in its existing posture
There was no queue, no desk and no verification of identity. Admissions confirms the roll stands at one, unchanged from last term.
The University Cat is confirmed as Head of Security for an indefinite term
No other candidate came forward and no vote was held. The appointee slept through the announcement and offered no remarks.
Supplementary Statute on the Crediting of Afternoon Repose takes effect
Each nap carries two credits, without limit as to duration. The hour of commencement is self-certified and no report is required on waking.
Editorial Note. All notices are written, reviewed and published by the President's Office, which is also their only reader. Corrections may be addressed to oneself.
III. The Calendar
Academic Calendar MMXXVI–XXVII
The Calendar takes “no lectures” as its standing entry. Only departures from it are listed below.
Michaelmas Term
- 1 SeptTerm beginsNo attendance, no registration, no notification
- Sept–DecMon–Fri: study beneath the duvetFormerly described as online teaching
- 20 OctThe President's Annual AddressIssued as a notice; non-attendance counts as attendance
- 11 NovEstates Supply DayOne additional shelf cleared in the Refectory
- 21 DecWinter SolsticeFrozen dumplings; twelve paces to collect
- 31 DecTerm endsIn the same condition as it began
Hilary Term
- 1 JanFoundation DaySleeping through constitutes attendance
- Jan–JuneNo lectures (standing entry)Any change will not be announced
- 21 MarWorld Sleep DayOur sole University celebration; observed in silence
- 1 AprCongregation, should anyone graduateA blanket is presented; no flowers
- 30 JuneEnd of the academic yearAnnual summary: as last year
- All yearOpen day: not heldKindly do not call
Trinity Term remains in abeyance, as it has been since MMXX.
IV. The SAHU Gazette
The University Gazette
An irregular publication. Six years of foundation have produced no issues whatsoever. Subscribers receive nothing at all, in keeping with our standard of service.
Should you wish to follow the affairs of the University, we suggest glancing at the window — though the University does not recommend it.