About the University
An institution of no fixed address, no fixed hours, and — by design — no fixed attendance. Six years on, the estate has not grown by a single square foot and our reputation has held remarkably steady.
A Short History
In the spring of 2020 the world found itself indoors. We took the view that this was, for a university, an ideal set of working conditions.
Stay At Home University was founded by a sofa occupant who prefers to remain unnamed. All works were certified on the day of foundation: the drawing room was retained as it stood, the tea table was designated Lecture Room I, and the bedside cabinet was chartered as the Library. The crest was drawn in-house, the degree certificates printed in-house, and the accreditation granted in-house.
The University has adhered since its foundation to three principles: no roll-call, no morning lectures, and no requirement to go out. Instruction is conducted in whatever posture the student has already adopted; examinations are open-book, open-duvet and open-refrigerator. In 2022 the Council passed the Standing Resolution on the Normalisation of Cancelled Teaching, since which “no lectures” has been the default calendar entry. It may be altered only by a unanimous show of hands of the entire student body — a vote which has never been called.
Today the University comprises six schools, four campuses, one student and a cat. The cat holds no appointment, but is accorded the courtesies due to the Head of Security.
Character of the Institution
- Type: A non-profit, non-campus, non-full-time (nor, strictly, part-time) seat of domestic learning
- Mission: To bring knowledge to the student, preferably in the same delivery as the supper
- Vision: To be a university of the first rank, and of the fewest outings
- Motto: Ex Couch, Ad Scientiam — from the couch, to knowledge
- Colours: Duvet Blue and Pillow Gold
The University in Brief
| Name | Stay At Home University |
|---|---|
| Abbreviation | SAHU |
| Latin Motto | Ex Couch, Ad Scientiam |
| Founded | MMXX |
| Seat | The candidate's own residence |
| Campuses | Bedroom · Drawing Room · Kitchen · Balcony |
| President | Professor Horace Pillow, DPhil, FRSH |
| Mascot | The University Cat, “No” |
| Colours | Duvet Blue & Pillow Gold |
Plan of the Campuses
Four campuses within twelve paces of one another. The Balcony Campus remains in abeyance on grounds of daylight.
Ex Couch, Ad Scientiam
From the couch, to knowledge. Three principles, observed without exception.
Stillness
Stillness is the highest form of attention. The University does not encourage a change of posture for the sake of a lecture; turning over requires a term's notice.
Comfort
All teaching is assessed against comfort alone. Should a course give rise to an inclination to stand, that course is withdrawn forthwith.
Leisure
A student may suspend study, change the programme or take a nap at any moment. Each of these counts towards the degree.
The President's Address
Professor Horace Pillow
DPhil, FRSH
President & Founding Head of Bedding Science
The portrait was dictated in a recumbent position and rendered by the President's Office. The President declined to rise for a sitting.
Welcome to Stay At Home University — or, more precisely, welcome to remaining where you are.
Each year I am asked the same question: “Professor, does the world actually require another university?” My answer does not vary. It does not. But since you are here already, you may as well take a degree.
Other institutions teach their students how to go out into the world. We teach them how to maintain a proper distance from it. There is no bell in our lecture room, alarm clocks being contraband. Our Library holds two volumes, both opened at the most comfortable page. Our graduation ceremony presents no flowers, only a softer blanket.
Our academic rigour is sometimes questioned. I would observe that no student of this University has ever fallen while hurrying to a lecture, no lecture has ever been interrupted by a departing audience, and no paper has ever been late on the grounds of “tomorrow will do” — because at this University, tomorrow will do is a research plan.
So: silence the telephone, set the room to a temperate degree, and draw the duvet a little higher. Term has begun. Or, more accurately, it has never ended.
— Horace Pillow, from the sofa, Bedroom Campus
A Chronicle
A history in which remarkably little occurred, and which is the steadier for it.
- MMXX
Founded, and immediately recessed
The drawing room was named Lecture Room I and the Statute of Non-Attendance adopted the same day.
- MMXXI
Three campuses constituted
The Bedroom, Drawing Room and Kitchen were chartered. The Balcony was deferred on grounds of daylight.
- MMXXII
Cancellation normalised
Council resolved that “no lectures” should be the standing entry in the Calendar. It remains so.
- MMXXIII
A find in the Refectory
A yoghurt of uncertain date was discovered and preserved in situ as a branch of the University Archive.
- MMXXIV
Accreditation in Non-Exit
Assessed, audited and awarded by the University itself. No travel was incurred.
- MMXXVI
This website
The previous edition was retired: consulting it had required rising to switch on a computer.
The University Officers
A small, flat administration, most of it dormant.
| Office | Location | Officer | Function | Hours |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| The Registrar | Bedside cabinet | An alarm clock (decommissioned) | No timetabling, no roll-call, no circulars | Closed throughout |
| Estates & Catering | The refrigerator | Keeper of the Yoghurt | Provisioning, inventory, archaeology | When hungry |
| Security | The cat basket | The University Cat, “No” | Territorial patrol; discourages outdoor intentions | At its discretion |
| The Library | Bedside cabinet, shelf II | A reading lamp | Two volumes, both suitable for one-handed study | Before sleep |
| Admissions | Right arm of the sofa | The remote control | Admission by default, effective immediately | At all times |
| The Archive | Rear of the cold shelf | Keeper ex officio | Artefacts preserved in situ; no handling | Not open |