Campus Life
Four campuses, twelve paces from end to end. The bedroom is the lecture room, the refrigerator the refectory, and the cat Head of Security.
The Campuses
All facilities are open at all hours, and are already within reach.
The Seat of the University
Lecture Room I (the bed), a branch of the Library (the bedside cabinet), and a climate-controlled archive (beneath the duvet).
Sofa Hall
The Sofa Hall, the screen lecture room and the President's Office (right arm of the sofa). Hosts our only large gathering: watching television.
The Refectory
Self-service catering and the Estates Office. The final twelve paces of every delivery are completed by the student in person.
The Bedside Library
Founded on the day of foundation and housed on shelf II of the bedside cabinet, under the librarianship of a reading lamp. Holdings comprise two printed volumes and one electronic resource (a handset). All are suitable for one-handed or supine consultation.
The Library observes a threefold policy: no borrowing formalities, no return date, no fines. In practice the volumes have never left the cabinet, so the question of borrowing does not arise.
| Item | Status | Location |
|---|---|---|
| A Novel, Half Read | In situ (bookmark at p. 112) | Shelf I |
| A Periodical, Unopened | In situ (still wrapped) | Shelf II |
| The Handset (electronic) | In situ (12 per cent charge) | Right of the pillow |
Sectional elevation of the main campus. Not to scale; the position of the cat is approximate.
The Order of a Day
Recommended only. The whole timetable may be deferred, and deferral is not an offence.
| Hour | Engagement | Location | Note |
|---|---|---|---|
| 09.00 | Natural waking, or its continuation | Bedroom Campus | Alarm clocks are contraband |
| 10.30 | Breakfast / brunch / luncheon (one of the three) | The Refectory | The decision itself counts towards credit |
| 11.00 | Lecture Room I: Sofa Ergonomics | Drawing Room | Eyes may remain closed |
| 13.00 | Nap Engineering laboratory, compulsory | Bedroom Campus | Not to be interrupted |
| 15.30 | Unsupervised reading / serial study | Drawing Room | Playback speed at discretion |
| 18.00 | The Final Twelve Paces practical | The door | The only permitted rising of the day |
| 20.00 | A society meeting, or nothing in particular | Various | These are equivalent |
| 23.00 | Evening study (the handset) | Beneath the duvet | Two credits |
| Undetermined | Retiring | Bedroom Campus | The academic day is deemed concluded |
Societies & Clubs
No joining form, no notice of resignation, and no expectation of attendance.
The Serial Reading Society
Meets weekly to watch together and agree not to discuss the plot. Voted most active society six years running.
The Takeaway Rating Association
Maintains the approved-establishments list. Its principal work is ordering, tasting and the composition of notes fields.
The Feline Appreciation Society
The only student body with actual authority. The cat presides; human members provide provisions and surrender the bed.
The Loungewear Study Group
Researches the all-day wearability of nightclothes, the entropy of sock pairing, and the history of “outdoor clothes”.
The Late Hours Association
Motto: early nights begin tomorrow. Meetings are fixed for the small hours and are frequently unattended.
The Balcony Prospect Society
With its campus closed, activity consists of imagining the view. Attendance is exceptionally high.
Sport & Athletics
- ITurning Over, compulsoryUntimed, uncounted, ungraded; completion constitutes a pass
- IIThe Takeaway Walk, compulsory-optionalApproximately twelve paces; our longest event
- IIIThumb DexterityConducted year-round; no equipment; no fixed hours
- IVDeep Breathing & StretchingThe University team, unbeaten for three years (no fixtures)
The University maintains no playing field, enters no league and has never competed. Our record stands at nil matches and nil defeats.
Student Services
- ICateringThe Refectory: self-service at all hours; supply lines open year-round
- IIHealthThe standing prescription is “a little more sleep”; follow-up at discretion
- IIILost PropertyThe remote is generally found in the sofa seam, the bedding, or the hand
- IVMaintenanceThe reporting officer and the reporter are one; response time is self-determined
For further assistance, write to the President's Office, which is generally resting.