I. Contact the University
Contact
The President's Office is open every day and staffed on none of them. Correspondence is received with attention, and then quietly disappears into the local browser.
The President's Office
- ISeatThe candidate's own residence · Right arm of the sofa, Drawing Room Campus
- IIGeneral correspondencehello@sahu.home — a domain that does not exist; please do not attempt delivery
- IIITelephoneNot provided. Answering would require rising, contrary to statute
- IVOffice hours00.00–24.00 daily (the office is, as a rule, unoccupied)
- VCallersNot received. Kindly do not call
A Serious Note. There is no physical campus, no reception desk and no one waiting at the door. If you have reached the door, turn back to the sofa: that is the seat of the University.
II. Correspondence
Write to the Office
For demonstration only; nothing is transmitted to any server.
III. Departmental Directory
Departmental Directory
All addresses below are fictitious and are not to be used for genuine correspondence.
| Office | Address | Location | Anticipated reply |
|---|---|---|---|
| Admissions | admissions@sahu.home | Right arm of the sofa | Nil seconds (automatic admission) |
| The Registrar | registrar@sahu.home | Bedside cabinet | None (decommissioned) |
| Estates & Catering | fridge@sahu.home | Kitchen Campus | When hungry |
| The Library | library@sahu.home | Shelf II, bedside cabinet | Before sleep |
| Security | cat@sahu.home | The cat basket | At its discretion |
| The President | president@sahu.home | The sofa, in person | Next year |
IV. Finding the University
The Estate in Plan
All four campuses lie beneath a single roof, within twelve paces of one another. The Bedroom Campus is the seat of the University; the Drawing Room carries teaching and assembly; the Kitchen provides catering.
No navigation service is offered, since from your present position every direction leads further into the campus.
Read about Campus Life →
Not to scale · The Balcony Campus is marked in abeyance.
To arrive at the University is to have mislaid it.
The President's Office · On a plaque that does not exist